This post is dedicated to, and inspired by, my dear, beautiful friend, Nicole.
We aren’t born hating ourselves; society teaches us to.
I read a comment this morning that hurled me back into a moment in my past. My dear friend was basically commenting on how beautiful some writers were, and that she was jealous. And I sat there looking at this beautiful girl and wondered how in the world she could ever look at herself and see anything but.
When I was younger – through most of my teens and 20s, actually – I suffered from severe body image issues and just about every eating disorder you could think of. I was addicted with weighing myself and working out to burn off whatever miniscule calorie I consumed. And ballet class didn’t help. It was sheer torture. I had to stand face-to-face with a mirror for hours on end. I had plenty of time to find and fixate on every possible flaw that existed on my body and conveniently miss all the ones on everyone else. To me, they were all truly beautiful; I wasn’t.
Fast forward many, many years, and I wish I could go back to that time and shake that young girl. Tell her that those other girls are beautiful, but, most importantly, that she was too.
With the help of friends, and lots of therapy, I can stomach looking at the mirror today. And I smile. I like the girl I see. She’s a wee bit goofy, but she’s alright.
I think beauty and attraction are often confused and misunderstood in society. Many women (and I’m sure men, too) think that if one person of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on how you swing) doesn’t find them attractive, they must not be beautiful. Not true. I liken beauty to the drinks at Starbucks. You usually gravitate to a certain one (or two), right? But does that make the other drinks any less tasty? Of course not! It’s just your personal preference. And what if they only offered that one drink that you liked? It would be a pretty boring place, right? Exactly.
The best exercise that helped me is to stand in front of the mirror completely naked (yes, you heard me, so go ahead and take off those silly socks you have on too) and look at yourself for 5 minutes. When you first start out, you are going to fixate on the flaws – wow I have big bags under my eyes – but I want you to seek out one thing, just one thing that you really, really like. And continue to focus on that. Look into the mirror. Into your own eyes and say, “You are beautiful.”
It sounds silly, but if you begin to see yourself in a different light, you will start to see others (and the world) differently too. You know how in some churches everyone shakes hands and says, “Peace be with you.”? Well, I wish we could all do that around the world (even if we did it virtually), and we added this to the end of that: “You are beautiful.”
I’ve also learned to embrace my imperfections. Like a treasured antique table, my imperfections each tell a story and set me apart from everyone else. They make me unique. Beauty isn’t having a perfect body and rocking a six pack or the best set of knockers you can buy. True beauty comes from confidence. Confidence in not only knowing who you are (inside and out), but actually liking that person too.
Don’t try to be the beautiful you think society wants you to be; be the beautiful that you actually are.
Until next time, Happy Living!
I love this post so much! As you know, I just got married, and I did not have the body I wanted in order to marry the man of my dreams… but you know, he loves me and I love him and we are happy. I’m living my dreams in the job of my dreams, at home all day with my HUSBAND and children, doing what I love.
The extra weight is my war wound, from a life that required protection from abuse. I survived it and thrived through, ultimately finding myself while stranded in an ocean of tears. The person I am now is so much stronger, happier, and content… even if there is a bit more to her.
Thank you for this, Lisa. You are a beautiful woman and I love this blog.
You are absolutely stunning!! And I’m so glad you have come to understand that you are beautiful. And you are loved. And all the things that set you apart from everyone else make you magnificant.
Thank you for being a wonderful friend
Kimberly, I was at the weight that I wanted to be at when I met and eventually married the man who eventually became my second husband. I had been back and forth on my weight in the years before I met him. I had been very skinny, and not-so-much. Even at my physical best, I had never learned to like myself. Any confidence I had was wrapped up in my appearance. I was an emotional eater.
I got pregnant with my fourth (and last) child, gained a lot of weight, and worked hard at losing it. I was almost to my goal weight, when two things happened: I had my gallbladder removed, and my little boy was diagnosed with high-functioning Autism.
Being the emotional eater that I am, I dealt with the emotions of my son’s diagnosis by eating and neglecting myself. I gained all of the weight back, and then some.
I am now on my way back and finally learning to love myself, which doesn’t come easily to those of us who were abused as children. My husband has loved me through it all. Not a day has gone by that he has not told me that I am beautiful.
Wonderful post Lisa. I have often struggled with body image. I am on the larger side, and before I had the kids, I was in the gym 2 hours a day twice a day six days a week, and once on Sunday. I monitored everything. Since my eldest was born I haven’t had the money or time, and I find those struggles coming back from time to time, and plan on getting active again.
The worst thing I have is eating. I hate eating in front of people, in fact, outside of my immediate family, I just won’t do it.
We are all made in different way. I love your Starbucks analogy, it is the perfect example of how varied and wonderful life it.
OMG Alex I used to have such a hard time eating around other people too. I felt like everyoe was staring at me. And secretly saying that I shouldn’t be eating that. I find comfort in knowing I wasn’t the only one who had that issue.
I think you are absolutely lovely inside and out. And you have a beautiful family.
You’re a wonderful friend and we all love you. Never forget that
Now, let’s secretly go eat a cookie together! 
It took me a long time to realize beauty truly is on the inside. And when you have a beautiful heart, you will see the beauty outwardly. I think you’re gorgeous. Inside and out. Great post. Shall share it.
It took me a long time as well. It was a hard thing to learn. And even still I have my moments just like anyone. I think you’re gorgeous too, honey. Thank you so much for stopping by and being an awesome friend!
Isn’t it also necessary to go deeper with the feeling of not beautiful?
Isn’t this similar to feeling unimportant? Important is someone else’s opinion. Does it help long-term to reinforce other people’s opinions?
Or would it help long-term to feel where unimportant started so that it stops influencing the present? So that the feeling of unimportant doesn’t drive a person to constantly seek out favorable opinions of importance as a defense?
Paul, all excellent points. I don’t think we should seek out favorable opinions from others. But I do think we should learn to like ourselves. Obviously there is a fine line between liking ourselves and becoming like our dear old friend, Narcissus… lol
And generally, yes, I tell people we are in control of allowing actions and comments to have meaning. But the fact of the matter is, even the most evolved person can sometimes be beaten down. I simply want people to explore their own greatness and see that they are not only wonderful, but that we all are.
One of the most profound things I ever read was a teaching of the Dao, in which in istructs all to find beauty and wonder and something of ourself in our enemy. And then when we can do this, we are then truly evolved.
Thank you, Paul for stopping by!! And a most wonderful Birthday to you!
Great post! People need to hear this stuff!
I have a slight facial deformity, for which I was teased a great deal at school. For most of my life, really, I’ve been paranoid about it. If anyone told me I was attractive, I never believed them, and in fact, I used to get quite angry about it, because being told that just seemed to emphasize how untrue I believed it was. At one point, I almost had corrective plastic surgery.
I am SO GLAD now that I didn’t take that road! It’s taken me so very long to get here, but now I can look in the mirror and like the person I see. It’s MY face. I like it, and no longer wish to change it.
And you know what? Anyone who rejects me for having a unique face really isn’t worth worrying about anyway.
Ruth! I LOVE hearing stories like this. Stories where people rise above that negativism that threatens to drown us all and realize our true wonder. Bravo to you, beautiful
Thank you SO much for stopping by here to read and leave such a lovely comment.
I tell my girls to look into the mirror and pick one thing about themselves that they like. I know how difficult that can be. There was a time when the only thing I could say about myself is, “I have nice eyes.”
I tell them to work at finding one more thing from time to time. I also tell them that confidence comes from doing things to improve yourself. If they don’t like something physically, they can take steps to improve that. Most importantly, I tell them that their worth is not wrapped up in what they look like. My love for them is unconditional. Whether they are 100 pounds and a size 3, or 200 pounds and a size 16, I will always love them.
I cannot even begin to tell you how happy it makes me feel to see that you are teaching your children this. And I’m overjoyed to hear that you are on your way back to learning to love yourself.
Thank you SO much for stopping by here and for commenting.
Beautiful post that you’ve done. I’m glad I inspired you which makes we feel weird just writing it. I read this right when I woke up I felt really giddy and I cried a bit. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me and others. I don’t think I’m pretty at all. I just think I’m just me and it does feel weird when I’m complimented on my personality or looks. I just think people in general are being nice because their parents raised them well. At least that’s what I always conclude compliments are driven from. I do have a big dislike for my weight, or how curly hair hair is. I always think are my eyes too small, cheeks too big or are my lips bleck? But I do find perfection in other people so much that I don’t know what I like about myself. I don’t necessarily hate myself I just wish I could fix things. Its a good eye opener that other people are just as hard on themselves as I am and that one day there will be time where I’ll be comfortable and take compliments well. I’m hoping my time with myself comes soon. Before that I think its time I start working for it.
Nicole, honey, you are beautiful. But, I daresay I understand your comment entirely. I’ve been there. And I also understand that no matter how often someone else tells you that you are indeed beautiful, those words mean absolutely nothing until you truly accept them as true (and accept yourself as well). But I’m so happy that you are on your own journey and that you maybe see a place in the future where you will be comfortable with it all.
Just keep plugging away at it, darlin. It doesn’t matter if you stumble along the way, so long as you stumble forward, you’re moving in the right direction.
Much love to you sweet girl.
This is a very good and poignant post, and it’s something everyone should read. So many people struggle with body image issues because society pushes their ideas of The Beautiful People onto us, and if we don’t fit that narrow mold, we feel inferior. We’re unnecessarily hard on ourselves as a result. Wanting to get stronger, run farther, look better, etc — those are all fine, but you need to do it for yourself, not to fit into society’s warped standards of beauty.
Personally, I hated mirrors and scales for years. I avoided having my picture taken whenever I could. Then, about four years ago, I made a lot of changes and lost around 100 pounds in a year. I feel a lot better and people tell me I look a lot better. It’s not that I don’t believe them, but years of hiding from mirrors and cameras can’t be undone easily or quickly. It’s a process for all of us. Bravo for sharing your own.
Tom! Thank you so much for sharing some of yourself and your journey with us. First of all, MUCH congratulations to you for the 100 pounds, that is amazing!!! I hated pictures of myself as well. Even still, I tend to stare at them and begin that whole fixation thing, but I’m learning
“. . . you need to do it for yourself, not to fit into society’s warped standards of beauty.” That just about sums it up perfectly!!
Thank you so much for stopping by, and for all your support, always
I just released my new book titled: Beauty, and this blog post hit the nail right on the head in relation to the story I wrote. Ran across a few of your post on twitter and decided to check out your blog. You are a beautiful person and I loved how you put yourself out there by writing this, letting other women see that it’s not just them that feel this way. Weight has certainly been an issue in my life, but now at thirty I’m finally learning to love and accept myself the way I am. I’m still aiming to be a healthier me, but not so much obsessing about weight anymore.
Very inspiring! Well done 