Will anyone miss me when I’m gone?

The door barely closes behind me before the tears fall straight down to the floor. And I slide down into the puddle of my sorrow. And I sit there heaving and clutching at the part of my chest where my heart used to be. The swirling despair and utter disappointment of all that could be and never was has nibbled it all away.

Somehow I pull myself up and I shuffle around the house. Pretending to care about feeding the fish. Pretending to care about the bills that are stacked up on the counter. Pretending not to notice the picture frame. The frame that could have been filled with memories and dreams. But instead it is, just like me – empty.

Nothing happened differently today. And that’s the problem. Nothing changes. I hope. I try. I believe. And still, it is just me. In this house. With the fish. The bills. The frame of empty dreams.

I look out the window and glance up and down the street. At the warm glow that spills out from the neighboring houses. And I wonder how many of them are laughing and smiling. How many of them even know I exist. How many would notice if I didn’t.

Twirling my wine glass, I watch the dark red liquid swirl and dance. Even this wine is prettier than me. And suddenly I can’t bear to drink it. So I let it fall and crash below. And I slide down to the floor and wallow in the river of my insecurities.

I sit there for several moments. Blinking. Breathing. Trying to hold on. But, the truth is. I’m tired… of everything. And overwhelmed… by nothing. The soft moonlight filters in through the skylight above and breaks my trance and I glance up and smile. Not at the light. Not at anything other than the beam that I never thought of before.

Somehow I pull myself up and I shuffle around the house. To the dining room where I retrieve a chair. To the closet where I retrieve the rope. To the living room where I retrieve that empty frame.

I climb up on the chair and throw the rope around the beam. And then around my neck. And for the first time in a long time, something holds me close. Something comforts me. I close my eyes and feel its scratchiness against my delicate flesh. But it doesn’t hurt. It warms me and makes me believe that today will be different.

Looking around I say goodbye to the house, the fish, the stack of bills, and I hold the frame close. My foot teases the edge and I bite down on my lip and take a deep breath. And I leap toward my dreams, hearing the crash of the forgotten ones hit the floor below. And this time, I don’t slide down into a puddle or river of despair, I close my eyes and let my body just swim in the sea of darkness. And as the last of my life shakes its way out of me, I realize I was right. No one came to find me. No one noticed I was here. And as the last of my tears fall straight down to the floor, I still wonder…

Will anyone miss me when I’m gone?

I guess I’ll never know.

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34 thoughts on “Will anyone miss me when I’m gone?

  1. You made my heart jump when I read the title… Such dark, powerful things come from you,my dear. The answer is that person will be missed– even if he/she can’t see it. A torn life will rip the hearts of those left behind– sometimes hard to see when considering the easy way out.

    Lisa you write with unending power. I am envious but so happy to know a talent like you!

  2. This really reminded me of a quotation from Yevgeny Yevtushenko: ‘In any man who dies there dies with him his first snow and kiss and fight. Not people die, but worlds die in them.’ Such a beautifully sad piece; it’s gives me that feeling where you like something but it doesn’t feel right because the subject matter isn’t something that it’s right to like.

    And, for the record, all of us who have the joy of inhabiting your world would miss it if it weren’t there anymore. Not least because there’d be less of beauty like this in the universe.

    Nick

  3. Wow is the only word I can think of! This was a really masterful piece with so much raw energy and emotion. The ending is so sad and dark my heart virtually sank. You definitely have a way with the written word, my love.

    If you ever go out like that then I will miss you terribly! :-(

    xxx

  4. this is very powerful writing – probably a serious trigger to some people, but powerful and beautiful writing. I’ve just declared myself a fan on GR :-)

  5. I’m so depressed now, must drink more coffee. So dark and melancholy, I give it five thumbs up, out of five thumbs. Don’t ask me where I got the other three thumbs, just don’t ask…

  6. Wow. Just wow! My heart is still racing…

    I stumbled over here after seeing a mutual Goodreads friend leave a comment.and I’m so glad I did. Such incredible, emotive writing that created a vision in my mind so powerful, I almost couldn’t finish reading it.

    I really hope it was just fiction and not a dream or plan o_O

    • awww Hi Aurelia! So very nice to meet you! I promise it was just fiction :) I won’t lie and say that there haven’t been times in my past where these horrible swirling thoughts haven’t overtaken me, but, in this instance, only fiction. Thank you so much for reading! :)

  7. My world grew colder when she departed. She was the light which brightened my day though she never knew. Her gaze often fell, unseeing, upon me as she passed. Just another nameless face to a beautiful, delicate flower of a woman. Her warm smiles cast to strangers were always kind, but somehow unable to hide the sadness in her eyes. The hopeful smiles I returned went unnoticed because, out of fear, I kept them inside. I could have held her close and stood with her against her demons. She could have filled the void in my life with her love.

    So many times I strolled by the walk leading to her door. So many times I longed to turn and follow that path to its end, and knock. Would she have invited me into her world or sent me away? There was always tomorrow. That would be the day I’d stand up straight and take a chance that someone so special might find a moment for a no one like me. No more tomorrows will there be for me to summon my courage and speak to her. Yellow police tape across the door that once held my dreams is a stark reminder of the emptiness inside, and of questions that will remain forever unanswered. How lonely my heart is now that she’s gone.

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